To be human…

“To be human is to become visible while carrying what is hidden as a gift to others.”   David Whyte

I have always loved this line from a poem by David Whyte.  I find it comforting in its simplicity, its sense of finding purpose and our responsibility to not only ourselves but to others as well.  And I cannot help think of my father and our relationship with each other.  Looking back I can see what we both missed as we never did truly become visible to each other.  Yet isn’t that what we most long for?

My father like most men of his generation was never expressive emotionally.  A good provider he was yet I never felt that I had ever got to know him.  I cannot help but guess that he felt the same about me.  This lack of connection and understanding of each other evolved into an acceptance and a familiarity that no effort was made to change this dynamic until I was approaching middle age.

I began to initiate hugging him when I would visit both he and my mother.  Uncomfortable at first for us both he grew to be the one to initiate the shared intimacy.  Our conversations did not change and his way of showing love I came to understand was to wash my car windshield when it was time for me to return home.

I remember one visit where my frustration with myself and our way of non-communication.  I was unable to navigate this impasse until I had time to reflect on my visit and I wrote him a letter telling him that the things I found myself most frustrated with him I found myself engaging in the same behavior.  Although I never expected a reply a few days later I received a card.

To receive a card from a man who always left birthday and holiday cards to my mother, this was quite a surprise.  Even more surprising was reading what was written.  He shared that he has difficulty expressing his emotion but to know that he loved both me and my mother very much.  He went on to say how proud of me he was and he respected how I

What became most apparent to me was the eloquence of expression and the depth this man possessed, a man I never knew existed.  I kept the card and even today I experience a deep sadness both for him and myself. I never received the gift that was hidden inside this man.  What a loss for us both.  He was never able to make visible who he was in the world and how painful that must have been for him.  How different my life would have been if he had been able to do this.

We each have a responsibility to make visible what we have hidden inside.  If we don’t we not only deprive ourselves but those around us.