To be human…

“To be human is to become visible while carrying what is hidden as a gift to others.”   David Whyte

I have always loved this line from a poem by David Whyte.  I find it comforting in its simplicity, its sense of finding purpose and our responsibility to not only ourselves but to others as well.  And I cannot help think of my father and our relationship with each other.  Looking back I can see what we both missed as we never did truly become visible to each other.  Yet isn’t that what we most long for?

My father like most men of his generation was never expressive emotionally.  A good provider he was yet I never felt that I had ever got to know him.  I cannot help but guess that he felt the same about me.  This lack of connection and understanding of each other evolved into an acceptance and a familiarity that no effort was made to change this dynamic until I was approaching middle age.

I began to initiate hugging him when I would visit both he and my mother.  Uncomfortable at first for us both he grew to be the one to initiate the shared intimacy.  Our conversations did not change and his way of showing love I came to understand was to wash my car windshield when it was time for me to return home.

I remember one visit where my frustration with myself and our way of non-communication.  I was unable to navigate this impasse until I had time to reflect on my visit and I wrote him a letter telling him that the things I found myself most frustrated with him I found myself engaging in the same behavior.  Although I never expected a reply a few days later I received a card.

To receive a card from a man who always left birthday and holiday cards to my mother, this was quite a surprise.  Even more surprising was reading what was written.  He shared that he has difficulty expressing his emotion but to know that he loved both me and my mother very much.  He went on to say how proud of me he was and he respected how I

What became most apparent to me was the eloquence of expression and the depth this man possessed, a man I never knew existed.  I kept the card and even today I experience a deep sadness both for him and myself. I never received the gift that was hidden inside this man.  What a loss for us both.  He was never able to make visible who he was in the world and how painful that must have been for him.  How different my life would have been if he had been able to do this.

We each have a responsibility to make visible what we have hidden inside.  If we don’t we not only deprive ourselves but those around us.

Living the questions

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves …
—Rainer Maria Rilke

I once attended a workshop and the leader spoke of giving workshops in both the US and in Japan. Generally speaking attendees from the US came with the question, “How can I be happy? What can I do to be happy?” The question from those from Japan ran along the lines of, “How can I not interfere in the larger scheme of things?” Two different questions, two very different approaches to living. The questions we ask shape how we live our lives.  What questions are you asking?

Connecting the Dots

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
—  Soren Kierkegaard

Coming upon this quote I was reminded of Steve Jobs and his Stanford commencement address a few years back.  He described his experience taking a calligraphy class after dropping out of college.  He continued his education taking only classes in which he was truly interested, one being calligraphy.  At the time he was not aware of the “why”, only that he enjoyed it and had the desire.  Years later when developing the personal computer he wanted his fonts to have style and design and not the boring technical look of the current fonts.  Only then did he come to realize the benefit of learning calligraphy.  He expressed his view that one can’t plot or connect the dots of our lives looking forward but only backward and in retrospect we can see how past events, situations, chance meetings, choices,  lead us to our present point in our lives.

I don’t know about you, but I find this comforting.  Looking back I can see how everything in my life contributed to my growth and how choices I made in the past now make sense.  Comforting to know when I am in moments of doubt and confusion currently, if I follow my desires and what I enjoy I will eventually be able to look backwards, understand and “connect the dots”.

Letting go of the familiar

Any healing or therapy ideally allows an introduction of new options to replace old patterns of behavior, attitudes, thinking, emotions, ways of being that no longer serve us. As much as we might want to change however, we cannot give up old ways of living without something to replace them.  This requires risk.

Another problem that arises in any growth process is something a friend of mine calls the “comfort of the familiar”.  We may hate our job, know we have outgrown a relationship or friendship, maintain self-criticism or self-pity when we know they no longer serve us or any number of situations or behaviors yet we hang on to them as if our very survival is dependent on maintaining the status quo.  Why you might ask?  They are familiar!  We know how to handle them even if they make us miserable.  Hitting this point of awareness most of us make a resolution to grow and change,  pull out the familiar tool of self-discipline and try to force change and end up back, yes, right where we started.

How to get out of this dilemma?  Remember me mentioning we need something to replace old ways with something new?  How about self-responsiveness, self-trust, a sense of self?  As we get more comfortable and accepting of who we are the process of letting go becomes much easier.   And much more comfortable.